One crushed dream

Great. On top of everything else I now have a crushed dream as well.
I entered the X-Factor. They said no. I was okay with that. I mean, I still have college and everything. I'll study, and I'll get somewhere.
But then someone who's supposed to be a part of my family decided to stick his nose in. Told me he knew the outcome of my audition. Told me I can't sing, that I'm shit. He basically told me to 'stop dreaming and grow up.'
What part of having a dream means I'm immature and need to grow up? Everyone has a dream, an aim. Somewhere they want to be. Just because he's gotten nowhere in life. He says he respects me and my family and doesnt want me to do something silly again. He's the cause of me wanting to do something 'silly' again. I was fine until he said something. Everyones intitled to their own opinion. I like constructive critism. But he was just a bastard and was being horrible. He did it, in public, on facebook, where anyone can see. If he wanted to be nice and polite he would have either spoke to me in person, or messaged me on Facebook. Not announced his opinion to everyone.
I was in tears last night. The first time I've cried in a while. Of course I told everyone I was okay. Pretended I was fine, like I wasn't bothered. Of course Im bothered! I'm crushed.
I was so set to end my life last night, and I still don't know what stopped me, why i didn't just end all this pain. I still want to. And don't understand why I'm not doing it.

This next part is quite graphic, so be careful!

I have a plan. It might not work, but it's worth a shot. I have a very very sharp blade in my room. No one will find it, I'm clever like that. It's in a place no one would think to look. I will cut my arm so many times, and so deep that all my blood pours out. I won't try to stop the bleeding like I usually do. I'll let it bleed. I already have an iron deficiency, so loosing a lot of blood right now will be enough to do me in. I'll just let myself bleed out. I can take the pain. It'll be worth it. The pain of living is too much. I can't take it anymore. What's the point?

Fuck off!

Just fuck off!
Everyone, just leave me alone.
I want a little bit of hope, a dream.
I know they may not happen, I know it's far fetched, but I want an aim.
I want something to LIVE for. Something that could happen but everyone keeps turning it into a WONT happen.
FUCK OFF!

Gosh.

I dont know what to do.
My head is completely fucked up right now.
I cant think, I cant feel. I feel empty.
I was meant to go college but I didn't. I dont have the motivation to do anything right now.

Gahhhh!

I'm struggling again.
Really badly.
I sat in bed last night imagining all the ways I could kill myself.
I wont OD again. That's no good. All it does is land me in hospital throwing my guts up, with a convo with the psych from hell the next day. Plus I cant take paracetamol anymore. Even the mention of the word makes me feel ill. Taking them... urgh.
My favourite idea is the motorway. Go to the bridge over the motorway and jump. No one would care, and no one would try and stop me. Good. The idea of falling... I dont know, it just seems so good to me.
Seeing the floor rush up to meet you, the impact, and then unconsiousness.
I know if I jumped onto a motorway I'd probably kill others too. I'm not going to say I don't care, because I do. But if others died, they'd be free also. They may not see what I see, but it's there.
The deep wrongness of the world. I think people would notice it eventually. But I dont think it's fair for them to live a lie without even knowing. I cant tell them though. If I told someone They'd kill me and that person but make sure we never escape. I'm not going to go into detail, although I do want someone to talk to.
I just want to escape.

I had a dream of being back in hospital the other night. But this time they wanted me to stay there for 6-12 months. I dont know why but the dream was appealing to me. Just getting away from everything. Life is just too much for me right now. I have too much on my plate. College work, dance rehearsals, horse riding, karate. I do have time for myself, but it doesnt feel right. Nothing feels right. I just need to get away from everything. Away from life. But how do you escape life? By dying, thats how.

I want to die, but I'm not acting on it. I don't understand it! I want to act on it but the motivations not there, but it's building. Slowly I'm getting the motivation. I want that motivation. I'll tell my CPN Friday all of this, and if she doesnt do anything my mind is made up. Or maybe I'll wait until Monday when I see my Psych. He can do something although I doubt he will. So.. yeah. If he does nothing my decision is made. This is going to be my last hope at getting better.
I'm tired of having my hope crushed.

Yeah

I was doing okay.
I'm going down again now.
I dont know what to say.
My heads a mess and there's one person I want to talk to.
Wish she was here.

Bored

Yeah, I'm bored.
I'm ill, but with what I'm not so sure. The doctor said I have a water infection, but I disagree. I think my water infection has gone. But I still feel like complete crap and have been sleeping loads.
I had my first try of weed yesterday. Good stuff. But because of the medication I'm on I couldnt really feel the effects of it very well. With the pills I'm on you can't get high but getting drunk is easier. But then I only had 2 drags, can you get high off two drags? Either way I wasn't high, just a lil buzzed. It felt good.
Anyways, if I'm no better soon my mums taking me back the doctors which probably means more pills. I feel drugged up already without more. I'm already on anti-biotics and my normal meds, anything else I'll feel like a druggie.

Random thoughts

I shouldn't blog so much, but I like it somehow.
I'm in one of my weird moods. Where it's like I can see the whole world from afar. When I'm like this I see how meaningless everything is. Life is meaningless. People have been trying to find the meaning of life since the creation of the Earth. But have they found it? Nope. That's because it has no meaning. We're born, we live, we die. Why are we here?
We should be able to choose when we die. I think it's our right as human beings to choose when our time here is done. But no. If you wanna die there's something wrong with you. Why?
I want to die but there's nothing wrong with me. I've wanted to die for a while, I have even acted on it 4 times. Not succsessfully though. It just landed me in hospital throwin my guts up. I'm a failure. I cant even die right!
We have the freedom of choice right? Then why can't I choose this?

Ive told my psychiatrist some of these things. How nothing feels real. How I don't feel. He didn't do anything, so I've given up. They don't want to help me, fine. I don't want his help. I dispise him. Often in my appointments I imagine throwing a table or something at him. My CPN isn't so bad. She's nice, but she doesnt want to help me either.

But for some reason I don't have any motivation to act on my feelings.
I know what I want to do. I wanna walk down the the bridge over the motorway and jump. I'd just have to hope I don't take anyone elses life in the process. But there's no motivation there. No drive. I want tht drive.
My life's going nowhere so I want it over and done with now.