Gahhhh!

I'm struggling again.
Really badly.
I sat in bed last night imagining all the ways I could kill myself.
I wont OD again. That's no good. All it does is land me in hospital throwing my guts up, with a convo with the psych from hell the next day. Plus I cant take paracetamol anymore. Even the mention of the word makes me feel ill. Taking them... urgh.
My favourite idea is the motorway. Go to the bridge over the motorway and jump. No one would care, and no one would try and stop me. Good. The idea of falling... I dont know, it just seems so good to me.
Seeing the floor rush up to meet you, the impact, and then unconsiousness.
I know if I jumped onto a motorway I'd probably kill others too. I'm not going to say I don't care, because I do. But if others died, they'd be free also. They may not see what I see, but it's there.
The deep wrongness of the world. I think people would notice it eventually. But I dont think it's fair for them to live a lie without even knowing. I cant tell them though. If I told someone They'd kill me and that person but make sure we never escape. I'm not going to go into detail, although I do want someone to talk to.
I just want to escape.

I had a dream of being back in hospital the other night. But this time they wanted me to stay there for 6-12 months. I dont know why but the dream was appealing to me. Just getting away from everything. Life is just too much for me right now. I have too much on my plate. College work, dance rehearsals, horse riding, karate. I do have time for myself, but it doesnt feel right. Nothing feels right. I just need to get away from everything. Away from life. But how do you escape life? By dying, thats how.

I want to die, but I'm not acting on it. I don't understand it! I want to act on it but the motivations not there, but it's building. Slowly I'm getting the motivation. I want that motivation. I'll tell my CPN Friday all of this, and if she doesnt do anything my mind is made up. Or maybe I'll wait until Monday when I see my Psych. He can do something although I doubt he will. So.. yeah. If he does nothing my decision is made. This is going to be my last hope at getting better.
I'm tired of having my hope crushed.