Random thoughts

I shouldn't blog so much, but I like it somehow.
I'm in one of my weird moods. Where it's like I can see the whole world from afar. When I'm like this I see how meaningless everything is. Life is meaningless. People have been trying to find the meaning of life since the creation of the Earth. But have they found it? Nope. That's because it has no meaning. We're born, we live, we die. Why are we here?
We should be able to choose when we die. I think it's our right as human beings to choose when our time here is done. But no. If you wanna die there's something wrong with you. Why?
I want to die but there's nothing wrong with me. I've wanted to die for a while, I have even acted on it 4 times. Not succsessfully though. It just landed me in hospital throwin my guts up. I'm a failure. I cant even die right!
We have the freedom of choice right? Then why can't I choose this?

Ive told my psychiatrist some of these things. How nothing feels real. How I don't feel. He didn't do anything, so I've given up. They don't want to help me, fine. I don't want his help. I dispise him. Often in my appointments I imagine throwing a table or something at him. My CPN isn't so bad. She's nice, but she doesnt want to help me either.

But for some reason I don't have any motivation to act on my feelings.
I know what I want to do. I wanna walk down the the bridge over the motorway and jump. I'd just have to hope I don't take anyone elses life in the process. But there's no motivation there. No drive. I want tht drive.
My life's going nowhere so I want it over and done with now.